>You are Floor Bored, veteran Ponechanner and all around NEET.
>Today you find yourself doing what you do most days, verbally dualing a fellow browser of /mlh/ to the death.
“And /THAT/ is why human dick was made for mare pussy! Ziggers get out!”
>Smashing that post button you lean back in your chair, confident that your final diatribe removed any chance of your opponent's recovery.
“Bucking funposters” you say under your breath.
>Readying your mouse to refresh the page, you’re suddenly hit with [spoiler]the fact you’re wasting your life on something so utterly meaningless like the failure you are.[/spoiler]
>Hoping to banish those thoughts, you click away to /mlh/’s catalog.
“Buck it, thread was dying anyway.”
>As you leaf through the catalogue however, you’re dismayed to find that not a single  thread catches your eye. 
>You make sure to voice this displeasure to no one in particular, of course.
“Celestia damned Facade posters, he ruined the show and the board!”
>However, righteous indignation alone didn’t cause any good threads to appear.
>Which while expected, was none the less disappointing.
>All hope was not lost though.
>After all, as you said, you are a veteran ponechanner.
>And what veteran ponecahnner only browses one board?
>Indeed you have a great many boards to choose from! Surely one will have the stimulation you crave!

>It is now much later, and sadly it seems you were wrong. 
>No matter the board, you just kept coming up bupkis.
>If this kept up you might actually have to get off ponechan for the day.
>Then what would you do!?
>Read a book!?
>Cook a meal!?
>GO OUTSIDE!?
>Unacceptable!
>There was still one board left, one saving grace!
>And dear sweet Celestia it was /x/.
>You sigh heavily.
>Last time you bothered to brouse /x/ it was just /changeling/ this and /changeling/ that.
>And you’d bet all of your bits that that’s exactly what it would be today.
>BUT with options ranging from slim to none, you reluctantly clicked the little /x/, and dove right in.
>As the page loads however, the prognosis is bleak.
>Right off the bat the top threads are exactly what you expected.
>Changeling Stories Thread.
>How to tell if your loved one is a Changeling.
>Help I’m trapped in a changeling hive and they said they’re going to--
>Blah Blah Blah.
>You could maybe stomach a changeling story or two back in the day, but once you realised they all read the same you just couldn’t get into them anymore.
>Just as you were about to close the page however, a thread near the bottom catches your eye.
> “Changeling Husbandos are superior, how could a stallion ever hope to compete?”
>You allowed yourself a small smile, at least this was a fresh take on the topic.
>Clicking the thread, you hoped the responses would at least be enough to alleviate your boredom.
>Maybe you could even get a rise out of some of the commenters by playing along with OP?
>That would at least fill your soul for awhile.
>As the page loads, you take the opportunity to read the entirety of the OP.
>Hmm, now there’s an interesting oppic.
>It looks like some kind of... application?
>Shifting your gaze, you look upon the accompanying text post.
> It appears the majority of the OP is taken up by a list of pros to having a changeling house husband.
> “My life is tied to your emotional well being so I’d never hurt you”.
> “You’d never need to buy food for me because I don’t eat”.
> “Sex is always a tasty meal so /true/ a changeling is always DTF”.
> “I’ll never need things like jewelry and spa days like pony stallions, a mare to hold is enough”.
>You had to admit, it sounded pretty appealing.
>As a kissless virgin, a devoted househusband requiring little to no effort sounded like the perfect fantasy.
[spoiler]>And all the degenerate sex your sweaty NEET body could ever want.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]>Unf.[/spoiler]
>If that was the kind of thread this was you could get behind it!
>After all, it’s basically what you posted on /mlh/ anyway.
>Cracking your elbows, you prepared to write as much green about an ideal husband as this thread could take.
>However, the last (and previously missed) line caught your eye.
> “Now if YOU want a changeling house husband of your very own, all you need to do is fill out the application and email it to BugzRcool@pmail.com to be considered. I hope to hear from you soon!”
>With that, the smile ran off your face.
>This wasn’t a thread for ponies to write erotica about easy lays for NEETs!
>It was a SCAM!
>Unbelievable! Just when you were starting to get into it, those bitches had played you!
>Screeching in a way that likely annoyed the hay out of your neighbors you prepared to write out the angriest post you could muster!
>But then it hit you.
>A way to kill time and get back at scammer!
>Submit a troll application!
>While the voice of reason inside your mind pointed out this would largely be a waste of time, the vindictive side of you said buck that and buck you reason!
>So with that you downloaded the form and set to work.

>About halfway through you realized how weird this was.
>There were no hallmarks of a typical con.
>No SSN, no credit cards, no passwords, nothing.
>Just stuff like hobbies and living style, even a personality quiz.
>As you filled it out you began to feel less like you’re wasting a scammer’s time and more like you’re filling out a joke online dating profile.
>This did not deter you however,
>Those scammers had ruined your minute, and by Celestia you were going to ruin theirs!
>So you set to work filling out the application with the worst stuff you possibly come up with...
>Truth about your real life living situation!
>Burying the shame of living in absolute squalor beneath a mountain of vindictive rage only a mild inconvenience could create, you filled out every single line with absolute sincerity.
>Living space: I live in a one bedroom apartment, meaning you would have to share a bed with me. A bed who’s sheets I haven’t washed in months. To be frank, I can’t remember the last time I washed anything in my apartment. Oh and btw, I know you said changelings don’t eat food, but on the off chance you do need some physical food, all I have is ramen. 
>The rest of the application read more or less the same, each line getting even more disgusting detail than the last.
>Honestly you were pretty proud of it. Especially when you went into graphic detail about your hobby of growing mushrooms in your unwashed laundry. Colts love mushrooms!
[spoiler]>You’re pretty sure you read that online once.[/spoiler]
>Looking over your hoofywork you were confident it would ruin even the most jaded pony’s day.
>Making the last step to set up a dummy email account and send it in to BugzRcool@pmail.com.
>Which you did, confident absolutely nothing would come of it.

>You were Nat, a lonely and hungry changeling male.
>Hiding in a hovel you carved out in the wall of the local library, you watched your email like a hawk.
>Times had gotten pretty tough in the hive, and the Queen was getting more and more desperate.
>So you did the only thing you could.
>Split.
>You were always known around the hive as a bit of a lazy good-for-nothing.
>And they were right!
>No way you were sticking your neck out for them.
>Besides, you’ve heard the stories about how easy it is for pony stallions to get some puss.
>You figured with a little magic mares wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, and you’d be on your way to an all you can eat love buffet!
>Well, turns out, they could tell the difference.
>Since you weren’t an infiltrator, noling had seen fit to instruct you on the finer points of pony social interaction.
>/Apparently/ most mares thought you acted ‘weird’ like an ‘alien wearing pony skin’.
>For a while there you were starting to worry that you’d have to put in some actual effort!
>But then you found /them/.
>NEETs.
>They’re so desperate, they’ll snuggle practically anything.
>Plus, if what you found on this “x” is true, many even fetishize bizarre sexual encounters!
>Perfect!
>...if you could meet one.
>Unsurprisingly, it's rather difficult to meet ponies who are notorious for going out of their way to ensure they never meet anypony new.
>That’s when it hit you.
>If they love openly fantasizing on this “x”, surely at least one of them would respond to an offer to have their fantasies realized posted on that very “board”!
>Which brings you back to the present as the sound of an arriving email dings.
>Ahhh, another new application.
>This one from a ‘Ceiling Excited’.
>Hmmm, now let’s see...
>An earth pony? That’s good, you like being the only one who can cast spells.
>Based on her height and weight she’s probably chubby, not enough to be truly unattractive, but enough so that her self confidence is probably shot. 
>Perfect!
>The living situation sounds pleasantly dark and dank.
>Oh wow, she even grows her own mushrooms!
>Sounds like you just hit the jackpot!
>Now you’ve just got to pay this mare a visit.
>Let’s see, at 1214 ShoeHorse Lane.
>That’s... an obviously fake address.
>Dang!
>The answers had such vivid detail though, they didn’t seem like lies.
>Perhaps... perhaps your target is just a bit shy.
>Even though she gave you a fake address, it might still be worth looking into this ‘Ceiling Excited’.
>Besides it's not like it’ll be hard to find out where she /actually/ lives.
>Cyberstalking 101 was one of the few classes you actually paid attention to after all!
>Alright, you’ll spend an evening looking into this mare, and if she seems worth it, you’ll pay her a visit.
>Once you figure out where you’re going you’ll send her an email to let her know you’re coming.
>Oooo! And you should throw in a cute picture of yourself while you’re at it...

>You are Floor Bored, and it’s been about a day since you sent in that application, and only the barest hints of it remain in your memories.
>Say, what should you do today?
>Browse ponechan for another twelve hours like the failure you are?
>Sounds like a plan to you!
>*Ding!*
>Hey, what was that?
>Paging through all your windows, it looks like you forgot to log out of that email you made to send in that application.
>That application that just got a response.
>Wonder what they sent--
>Opening the email, your heart seizes in fear.
>Practically throwing yourself out of your chair, you scramble away from your desktop, as if you could somehow hide from the email itself.
>It’s only two sentences, but it's two sentences that terrify you beyond any fear you’ve ever felt.
>”I figured out your little puzzle Floor! I’ll be paying a visit to 123 Oats Lane, apartment 13 soon!”
>How- how did they figure out your real name and address!?
>To make matters worse, there’s a picture embedded.
>A picture that chills you to your very bones.
>It’s a dark room, so dark all you can see is a pair of soulless, glowing blue eyes.
>Glowing blue eyes that are staring at you, like a predator hungry for the kill.
>Ohbuckohbuckohbuck
>What have you done!?
>You- you’ve gotta hide!
>Scrambling towards your bed, you pray to find some sort of safety under it.
>Oh Celestia, you can practically feel those eyes still watching you!
>You need to-
>Wait.
>Wait wait wait wait.
>There’s no way you actually attracted some supernatural monster... right?
>O-of course not. Changelings aren’t real!
>It’s probably just those scammers getting back at you!
>Yeah, yeah that’s gotta be it.
>You bet if you put that image in reverse image search, you’d get hundreds of duplicates.
>In fact, that’s exactly what you’ll do.
>So pulling yourself back out from under your bed, and suppressing that deep feeling of dread in your gut, you walk back over to the computer.
>Let’s reverse image search aaaaaaaand-
>Zero results.
>If your shriek of annoyance yesterday didn’t annoy the hay out of your neighbors, you shriek of terror today sure did.

>You are Floor Bored, and today you have to do something you wish you’d never have to do.
>Go outside.
>Desperate times call for desperate measures, though.
>After all that... that THING was coming, and there was no way you were just going to rest on your haunches ‘till it gets here.
>You couldn’t just go to the authorities, nopony would believe you!
>No, your only option was to prepare for its arrival by fortifying your apartment.
>Which forced you to confront the unfortunate fact that you own none of the supplies you needed to do that.
>Leaving you with only one option: take a trip to Stable Depot, in broad daylight no less.
>Your NEET instincts scream at you to wait until the sun goes down, but that’s when it's most likely to strike!
>So you go now.
>All you’ve got to do is cross the threshold, and go out into the world.
>Come on, you can do it.
>Your life depends on it!
>Forcing your right forehoof forward, you just barely get it out of your apartment.
>Phew! Alright, that’s the hardest part.
>Just put one hoof in front of the other, Floor....
>Aaaand yooooooou....
>Did it!
>Yes, that’s step one!
>Now you just need to take another step.
>Anytime now.
>Aaaaaaaaanytime.

>You are Nat the changeling, and you’re comfortably seated on the train to ponyville.
>You can’t help but admire your disguise’s reflection in the window.
>Piercing eyes, chiseled jaw...
>Hold on, are your eyes too big?
>You turn to the nearest stallion a few seats over to get a look for reference.
>As you do, he grabs his son sitting by him and moves the colt to the other side of him, away from you.
>Eh, they’re probably fine.

>You, Floor Bored, managed to make it all the way to Stable Depot.
>Now you’ve got a shopping wagon full of boards, nails, and all sorts of tools you’ll be using to turn your apartment into a fortress.
>That just leaves checking out.
>And oh Celestia, the only cashier open right now is a c-colt!
>Y-you’d better just wait until another aisle opens...
>Unfortunately for you, praying that you turned invisible didn’t help, and he sees you waiting there.
>”Ma’am? I can help you over here!” he calls.
>Buck buck buck buck.
>Not having the nerve to call out saying you can wait, you walk over to the stallion.
>O-oh Celestia preserve you, the uniform looks so tight on him...
[spoiler]>Deep down you know it isn't that tight, you’re just desperate.[/spoiler]
>”You find everything okay today?”
>Come on Floor, don’t screw this up.
>Maybe you’ll be able to come back and get a date with him one day if you can keep it smooth!
“Y-yesIdidthankyouverymuchwouldyouliketogoonadate?”
>Thank goodness the colt looks like he has no idea what you just said, you did not mean to stick that on the end of that statement.
>”Uh, I’m sorry ma’am can you repeat—”
>He cuts off his statement though, taking notice of something.
>Ooooh now he’s staring at your flanks!
>Oh no, he’s staring at your /flanks/!
>”Ma’am, I’m sorry but you aren’t a minor, right? You don’t look like a minor but I can’t help but notice you don’t have a cutie mark.”
>Your face burns in shame.
>Sticking your muzzle into your saddlebags, you solemnly pull out your NEET ID and show it to him.
>Oh Celestia, he’s giving you that look everypony gives you when they realize you’re a NEET.
>You’re just a late bloomer! You’ll get it eventually!
>”Oooh,” he says with a deliberate slowness to each word, “Sorry about that ma’am, but after the Cutie Mark Crusaders last outing, I'm required to ask.”
>This just makes your face burn even more.
>Great, you can tell by his tone he thinks you’re a retard.
>You hate showing ponies your NEET card, this happens every time.
>Thankfully, the crushing shame is giving you enough courage to actually talk to him.
“I-I’m not a idiot.”
>He looks deeply surprised you actually spoke, and now he’s the one with the red face.
>Ha! Take that!
>It feels like a hollow victory though...
>”Oh! I’m sorry I just thought... nevermind, here I’ll give you this hammer free of charge as a formal apology from the Stable Depot team!”
>You say nothing, and the rest of the transaction is conducted in shameful silence.

>You are Nat the changeling and mare, you love it here!
>This town is great!
>If this doesn’t work out, you should just stay in Ponyville permanently.
>Ever since you stepped off the train it's been nothing but smiles, friendly hellos, the occasional concerned look, and only one foal saying, “daddy, what’s wrong with his face?”
>Much nicer than the receptions you’ve been getting elsewhere.
>As of now you’re sitting outside a local ice cream parlor, enjoying a confection.
>Big thanks to that one mare who sent you a couple thousand bits for those ‘celebrity’ hoof pics!
>That’s covered most of your bills as of late.
>But this set up? Free food forever?
>This’ll be your best set up yet.
>Speaking of, there’s a reason you aren’t going to your new paramour right now.
>It is well known that NEETs are a nocturnal breed.
>And being the soon to be loving ‘husbando’ that you are, you want to take your paramour’s feelings into account.
>So it's better to just mill about until the sun sets, then you’ll drop by.
>Until then, that’s what ice cream is for!
>Mmmmmm, cold flavor, your favorite!

>You are Floor Bored, and pushing aside the demoralizing Stable Depot encounter has allowed you to get to work.
>And work you have.
>Putting down the hammer to catch your breath and wipe the foam off your brow, you take stock of all you’ve done.
>Most of your windows have been covered by boards now.
>You’ve also installed three new locks on your door, and have begun boarding that up too.
>Trying to get back to work, you attempt to lift the hammer only for your foreleg to immediately give out and drop the hammer.
>Okay, maybe that’s a sign you should rest.
>Allowing gravity to take you, you collapse onto the ground.
>Honestly it's probably by the grace of your Earth Pony heritage that you hadn’t collapsed earlier.
>This is more physical activity than you’ve done in the past two years combined!
>And as you lay here, you can’t help but wonder, is it really worth it?
>What if this is your last day in Equestria and you spent it doing /physical labor/!?
>No, don’t think like that, Floor!
>Forcing yourself to get back up, you ready another board.
>Just focus on the joy you’ll experience by rewatching “Lyana Kao Shite Shitagi Misete Hoshī” for the thirtieth time, something you can’t do if you’re dead.

>The time has come for you, Nat the changeling.
>Sure the sun’s only just set, but you’re just too excited to meet your meal ticket!
>So here you stand outside of her building, checking for anything out of the ordinary, just in case.
>Oh hey, that looks like her apartment, and you can see boards through the blinds!
>Awww how nice of her! Trying to further limit the amount of sunlight that gets in, just for you.
>Mare, you really struck gold here!
>Alright time to quit wasting time and get in there!

>You are Floor Bored, and right now you find yourself taking cover behind your couch.
>No, you’re not /cowering/...
>Okay you are.
>But in your defense, a literal inequine monster was supposedly on its way!
>That would horrify anypony!
>You should be safe in here though, short of demolishing that door nopony should ever be able to get in—
>*knock* *knock* *knock*
>Oh buck, oh buck!
>Despite yourself you start breathing heavier.
>Stop stop! He’ll hear you!
>To your horror however, an unnatural and non-pony voice wafts through your door.
>”Oh Floor, I know you’re in there! I can smell you!”
>Oh BUCK OH BUCK!
“G-go away!”
>You hear the /thing/ on the other side of the door chuckle, it makes your fur stand on end.
>”You’ve nothing to fear, Floor, your new husbando is here!”
“I said GO AWAY!”
>You hear the thing... sigh?
>”Aw mare, this poor filly’s got it bad.”
>He clears his throat.
>”Fear not my, uh, waifu! No barrier shall keep me away, not this door, nor your anxiety!”
>For once you allow yourself a smile.
>Yeah right, that doors locked tighter than—
>You heart jumps into your throat.
>/Something/ is now blocking the light from coming under your door.
>A-and there’s some kind of sh-shuffling sound...
>Oh Celestia oh CELESTIA!
>ITS CRAWLING UNDER THE DOOR HOW IS IT CRAWLING UNDER THE DOOR!?
>Ignoring your fear, the flat and now VERY in your apartment ‘stallion’ looks up and smiles at you.
>Why are his eyes so big, WHY ARE HIS EYES SO BIG?
>”Gotcha.”
>Screaming as loud as you can you make a break for your bedroom.
>You know it won’t keep him out but you desperately hope anyway.
>Slamming the door shut as you drive through it, you wiggle yourself as deep under your bed as you can.
>A-aha! It said it could “smell” you earlier, well under here, everything smells like you because you haven’t cleaned under here in months!
[spoiler]>Oh hey! You were wondering where those panies got to![/spoiler]
>If you can just bury yourself deep enough, he’ll never find you!
>It appears you got under here not a moment too soon, as your door starts slowly opening.
>As it does, you’re granted a window into your dark apartment, and all you can see are luminescent blue eyes.
>Eyes that are staring RIGHT INTO YOURS!
>”Found you.”
>OH CELESTIA PLEASE YOU’RE SORRY FOR EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE!
>As he charges forward, you close your eyes and scream in a decidedly unmarely way.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
>Holding them shut, you expect to feel his teeth since into your flesh at any moment.
>But it never comes.
>Instead he... wraps his hooves around you?
>Cracking one eye open, you find that he’s wedged himself under the bed with you, with what you suppose passes for a ‘content’ look on his face.
>”Oh you really did go all out for me didn’t you? You’re the best waifu a husbando could ask for.”
>Huh?